Anti-Obsession of the Week: Angel Soft Toilet Paper

Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.

DON'T BUY ANGEL SOFT TOILET PAPER.

IT IS NOT "ANGEL SOFT."

So I've decided to do an anti-obsession of the week because there has been something that has been bugging me ALL week. AND I HATE IT. Yep, that's right, toilet paper. How can toilet paper get me so peeved, you ask? Well, just think about it, and I'm sure you can figure it out. Don't make me spell it out for you.

So I went to the store because we were out of toilet paper. Now I'll be the first to admit that I'm not that knowledgeable about TP. My mom was the CEO of toilet-paper-buying when I was living at home. And I was kinda forced to use whatever she bought because, hey, am I gonna buy it? HAHAHAAH no. So it all worked out fine. I never even really thought about toilet paper before. That's a good thing right? TP shouldn't be something that takes up some of your thinking time. It just shouldn't. You've got many more important things...hopefully. Therefore, living in my own apartment this year, I was forced to get my own TP. Not a big deal--it's not that expensive. And it's kind of an evil necessary. You really CAN'T live without it. And I don't really wanna try.....

I have not had a few years, like some of you have had, to try out a few brands until I found one I liked. So when browsing the grocery store, I first went with the ones that were priced cheaper (wrong choice number one) and one that I had seen advertised on TV since I was little (wrong choice number two). The more expensive TPs are more expensive for a reason: THEY'RE BETTER. They're made better and they're better for you too.

So the advertisement I would see all the time when I was little was of this Angel Soft TP and a little puppy. What, you ask, does a puppy have to do with TP? I have no idea except for maybe this toilet paper was a chew toy for the puppy. Seriously. Anyway, the little boy in the commercial would put a layer of toilet paper up against the wall and the little puppy would run and run towards the little boy and then couldn't stop on the hardwood floor so he would run into the toilet paper. I always thought it was a really cute commercial. But now I have no idea what it has to do with TP. The TP never even came out of its container. And now I know why. The people in the commercial didn't actually want to use it. The little boy just wanted to use it in his little sadistic animal-torture game. I can't believe his mother was supporting that behavior by buying Angel Soft. At least those Charmin commercials show the bears using the TP and liking it. Even if they are cartoons. So now I feel the need to ask the advertising agencies what the connection is with animals and toilet paper. Is that something they teach you in college?

Needless to say, I ended up buying something that feels like a cheese grater. Yeah.... Every time I have to go the bathroom, I let out a small groan. Not WHILE I'm going to the bathroom, you sickos. Just when I realize that I have to get up and go again. I actually really hate going to the bathroom now. But you shouldn't hate that! I'm so weird. This should not be taking up my time. Going to the bathroom is now an evil necessary for me. It's a chore and I can't wait until we run out of toilet paper. I'm actually trying to use toilet paper for anything and everything I can think of just so it goes faster. Why, do you ask, don't I go get some new toilet paper that I will like? Because I bought the value-pack to save money and so we won't run out quickly. BAD IDEA. When trying out toilet paper, only buy a few rolls until you're absolutely sure that you definately like it. Also, we already have so much toilet paper that I don't have the room for more. That, and I hate wasting money. That, and I got a 50 dollar parking ticket this week--bigger groan. So there goes my toilet paper money (like I was gonna shell out more money for TP anyway.)

But seriously, I might have to soon. This is getting ridiculous.