Yesterday Actually Happened

So yesterday began with me waking up at 5:30 to be at the boathouse at 6:00 for a race at 7:15. Bowl of cereal. Unisuit. Smooth sailing. We came in 3rd, which is ok, but I like to get 1st. Come back to the apartment with Bag Lady, after ganking some fruit from the food table (because I go through fruit like it's no body's business) shower, clean my room. 'This is shaping up to be a really great Saturday,' I think, 'I'm going to get a lot done.' WRONG.

On Monday, I think I got bit by a spider while I was sleeping. I noticed it and went to the training room to get a band-aid and medicine on it before lifting weights (because the weight room is known to have staph and yeah, I guess I didn't want to get it.) Too bad.

After weights, I show my trainer and she thinks it's an ingrown hair or a pimple. On the back of my thigh. This is not an ingrown hair OR a pimple. Whatever. I keep medicine on it and covered all week. It slowly balloons. My friends are concerned, but for some reason I'm not. I still take care of it. I show another trainer on Thursday and she's like, "OHHHH MAN. Yeah, you need to go to the health center. I will write you a pass right away." FINALLY, I'm thinking. I go to the SMU health center, they say, "It might be staph, it might not. It probably is staph. Here's some medicine." "Are you going to run a test or anything?" "Nope. There's the pharmacy." Start taking the medicine.

Friday evening I go to a movie with a friend. At this point I can only wear skirts and shorts because if something even touches the area close to it, it huuuuurts. I can't sit comfortably in class. Then, during the movie, it starts burning. I think: This is not normal. My friend, Chicago, says she is taking me to the doctor tomorrow. Bag Lady wants to come. I call it a night and go to bed. Can't take the uncomfortableness.

Saturday afternoon we go to Prima Care because I was referred by a few people. Watch Shrek in the waiting room for an hour before they call us. Wait in the other room for an hour and 20 minutes. So bored that we start talking about Rugrats facts (???) It actually was a lot of fun waiting because we were basically talking and laughing the whole time. I love my friends. The nurses hated us. After an hour in the room, Chicago opens our curtain a little to let them know that yes, we are still here. One of the female nurses gives us the evil eye as she forcefully closes it. Hahahaa. Our nurse comes in. Let the fun begin.

His name is Rodrigo. He takes my blood pressure and temperature and asks the normal questions: height, weight, etc. Then he asks my last cycle. I say, "Aug 20." Bag Lady smirks and looks at her watch and then looks at me and I know what we are both thinking: September 19th. Before I can stop myself, I say, " 'Bout that time of the month, eh?" and she looses it. Rodrigo whips around and asks, "Ma'am, are you going to be able to handle this?" Apparently not. Her face is buried in her hands and she's shaking from laughing so hard. Chicago pretends to be looking for something in her bag.

The doctor comes in. I show him the medicine I am currently taking. He says it's basically right. 'Great,' I think, 'It's not doing anything.' He tells me he is going to try to drain the thing. I am going to receive a huge needle in the back of my leg while I'm face down in a clinic. He gives me numbing medicine, poking me with another needle 3 times before the actual process begins. I'm laughing because Chicago and Bag Lady have moved to where they are at the end of the bed right in front of my face and I see the disturbed looks on their faces as they watch the whole thing. Nothing comes out. It was a waste. Can't feel the back of my leg. The doctor prescribes me more antibiotics and says that I will get an antibiotic shot. I lose it. I'm crying, I'm exhausted, I raced over 5 miles this morning, my leg hurts/is numb, and I just want to go home. I want a glass of wine and some ice cream and to watch movies. Chicago and Bag Lady promise all three.

Rodrigo comes back in with the shot and tells me to lie face down again. Hmm...I thought I was going to get this in the arm. Probably going to put it on the back of my leg near the area. NOPE. Before he says anything, he pulls down the back of my skirt and stabs me in the butt. Bag Lady starts laughing again (as do I). Rodrigo asks her again, "Ma'am, can you handle this?" No, she can't. He starts rubbing the area and we start laughing again because, well, its jiggly. This is when Rodrigo says, "You know what they say, if it ain't Jello, it's Jelly!" WTF?

"Haley, you have a reeeeeeally white butt." Chicago and Bag Lady inform me as we leave. "You saw it?" "Yep. The WHOLE thing. It's white." "Well it's not like I tan without bottoms on, dum dums. When would my butt have seen the light of day?"

We go to the pharmacy. They don't accept my insurance card so I will have to pay the full price for the prescription. I lose it again and can barely drive away as the attendant tries to ask me if I'm ok. No, I'm not ok! I'm in pain and this sucks! And I'm crying. And what can you do? You're in a pharmacy and I don't even know you. Ohhh yes I do know what you can do--you can give me medicine!!

I go home and, for the rest of the evening, everyone was really nice to me. I am so lucky to have such great friends who want to take care of me and make sure I'm ok.

Bag Lady and I decide to make cookies, so we go to the grocery store. As we are leaving, we almost get hit by a grandma behind the wheel. I stop in the middle of the crosswalk, thrust my hip to the side (where the thing is) and say to Bag Lady, "Hit me here! RIGHT here. It's not like this day could get any worse! Maybe getting hit by a car will help the thing! Look, there's a bulls eye for you already!" (The thing is purple in the middle and red around it)

I'm feeling better so Bag Lady and I decide to go out. We are ridiculous together. The night was crazy and, as my parents read this, I will not post everything. I can tell you this:

1) I broke the handle off the front door of the house where the party was at. Bag Lady, me, and our gay friend could not get outside. I try to escape before anyone notices it was me. Bag Lady is plastered to the storm door thinking that, by osmosis, she might be able to get outside.

2) A guy I met last weekend comes over and says, "Hey! Aren't you the lesbian I met last weekend?!" WHAAAAAT THEEEE FFFFFFF. "Uh no. WHAT?" "Yeah, you were showing me these pictures and..." "THAT WAS NOT ME." "Are you just playin' with me right now? Because you look just like her and... This is not cool if you're messin' with me right now." "I am not 'messin' with you."

3) Go outside to see how my friend is doing. There are five wooden stairs to go down. Slip and fall down ALL OF THEM. Everyone on the patio stops talking, turns, and stares. FML. I have not been drinking.

4) Hear someone call my name from across the yard. What guy here knows my name? "Haley! Do you remember me? We met last weekend." I can't see him very well, so he makes a motion with his hand in the air that looks like a Bell Curve. "Here's a hint." "Hmm..." I yell, "Normal Distribution! Are you in my Statistics class?" He lowers his hand and stares, dumbfounded. I am a nerd. "No." "Ok...hill...the hills are alive with the sound of music!" (Did I really just say that?) "What?" He is confused. "Hill....ohhh your name!" "Yes."

5) Bag Lady and I are ready to go home. Its 3. We decide to walk because had already spent about 20 dollars on cab fares. It's about a mile. We are walking and two bicyclists ride by and say, "Hey ladies! Need a ride home?" Yeah, just let me hop on your handlebars and you can ride me off into the night. Good life choice. Now that I think about it, who rides their bike at 3 am? Well, who takes a walk at 3 am? Touche.

6) We get back home around 4 and Bag Lady gets on Facebook. Really. The guy she likes is online and as she gets ready for bed I start a chat with him...as her. Before she comes back, I go into my room and pretend to be asleep. She comes into my room and literally drags me out of bed by the ankles saying, "YOU STARTED THIS, YOU HAVE TO FINISH IT." We put our two heads together to come up with the most eloquent things to say, making sure we wait atleast 1-2 minutes before responding so as to not appear desperate. Finally go to bed.

Wake up in the morning and take the band-aid off where I got the shot. I have a bruise the size of a quarter in the middle of my cheek. Beautiful. The thing on the back of my leg is bigger. Bag Lady and Outdoors Woman make me lay down on my bed as they play Art Class on the back of my leg drawing pictures and a circle around the thing. I'll keep you posted.

No, this was not some dream (or should I say nightmare?) This was my Saturday.