Moth's Wings

You come beating like moth's wings
Spastic and violently--
Whipping me into a storm
Shaking me down to the core

But you've run away from me
And you've left me shimmering
Like diamond wedding rings
Spinning dizzily down on the ground.

So the other day I was reading on my screened-in porch attached to the back of my house. It was quiet and serene and a beautiful day until.....my dogs started going haywire. They were barking like crazy and chasing something around the room. Our neighbors hate our dogs so I went to see what they were up to.

When I approached them, I found them pawing at something but couldn't quite tell what it was until I pulled them away and found a grief-stricken moth fighting for its life.

Moths are usually unattractive and creepy. The ugly step-sister to the butterfly, they get bad raps from eating our stored sweaters and hanging around when they are unwanted. This one, however, was quite beautiful. It was pink, tan, and green with big blue dots on the back of its wings. They looked like eyes that were begging me to "please do something."

My heart went out to this moth (even though I was still unbelievably creeped out). One of my dogs kept catching it in its mouth and then spitting it back out. She did this over and over again. It was like she wanted to catch it so bad but when she did, she didn't know what to do with it. I tried to pull my dogs away so it could fly free, but its wings were so tattered it couldn't go anywhere and my dogs wouldn't follow orders.

I tried to rescue the moth for about 15 minutes, but every time I tried to get close to it, it would fly towards me and I would get freaked out, scream, and run away. This happened multiple times until I figured I couldn't do anything so I gave up, sat down and went back to reading.

But then this terrible feeling came upon me. I was going to be responsible for this moth's death. My dogs were still barking and playing with it and it was still trying to get away. I couldn't go back to reading. I couldn't focus; I was involved now and I couldn't give up on this moth. Then and there I resolved that I was going to save this moth's life.

I jumped out of my chair and dragged my dogs inside. I got a sheet of paper from inside, swallowed my fear of moths and began to scoot the moth outside the door. It freaked me out a couple of times, but I realized that this moth's life was more important than maybe being grazed by a wing. Once I got it to the door to go outside, I wondered where to put it so it could recover. If I put it on our deck, the dogs were sure to find it again and kill it. Its wings were so tattered I didn't think it could fly. However, as soon as it was outside, it mustered all the energy it had left after taking a 30 minute beating from two dogs, and flew away. I kept my eye on it to see where it went--it flew to the tallest tree in the woods behind our house. I was amazed.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. (Here comes the analogy.) Life will beat you down--there's no doubt about that. And you can't always do it by yourself. Sometimes you need help to get through the rough times and it's ok to ask for and accept that help. Then, when you get through the hard times, there's nothing stopping you from seeking a great life except yourself. Sure, the moth could have settled for a single tree high off the ground. But, no. It set its sights on the highest tree in the woods, telling me that we are capable of anything, even after being beaten down by two animals 100xs of times the size of us.

I found a picture of the moth. This is exactly what it looked like but it was more beautiful in person. I'm glad I saved its life.

Hi.

It's me.

Do you remember me?

Probably not.

I barely remember me.

But, yes, this is real life. I'm here. I'm writing. I'm doing it...despite the totally inappropriate hour where I will be waking up in 3 hours to go to a 2 hour practice to do what enables me to be in this wonderful city doing what I love surrounded by the people who keep me going every single day. (Except for all of you at home reading this, of course. Even though I don't talk to you, you keep me going. I do think about you. And I'm not just saying that. I think too much. About you. And about things. Which is why I'm here instead of sleeping and preparing my body and mind for the grueling practice awaiting me. I can't sleep when I think. And vice versa.)

Do you ever wonder about that? Do you ever wish you wouldn't think so much? I do. All the time. I think way too much. About a lot of things. Which is why, in my room, there are journals hidden all over the place full of stories and thoughts and things that I think about when I lie awake at night. I'll never get this time back. I'll never get this time to sleep back. And it's ok. It's what I choose.....I suppose. Unconsciously.

Anyway, I have lots of stories for you. I was thinking about them today as I ran. Running is my blogging time. And I've been meaning to get back to you. It's been a month. AKA too long. You need to know what I'm up to, right? I figured. Well, the answer is: lots of things. Too many things. Which is why I have many stories to write for you. But not now. I need to take a little nap before practice. But how about a little taste, eh? Ok, that'll do.

I'll give you the titles of the stories. They are: "The Date"; "The Fight"; "The Dedicated Starbucks Customer (and it's not me)"; "The New Melrose Place"; "The Bad News Bears"; "The Sacrifice"; "The Happiness"; "The Process"; "The Power Struggle". Enough? I thought so. Hopefully I'll be able to pound these out soon. And, I'll be honest. It's not just for you. It's for me too.

You see, I'm obsessed with recording things. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's a self-preservation thing where, if I forget, it'll be there in writing and/or recording to remind me. My friends look at me like I'm psycho when I shove a video camera in their face BUT they are incredibly happy when I capture the insane moments of our lives that show us exactly who we are. And, yes, I'm not overexaggerating. You see yourself in a different way when you are recorded. Trust me. I never thought I was an idiot UNTIL I saw myself looking like an idiot.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.




Nah, I think I'll wreck myself. That way I can pick up the pieces and write about it. That's what it's all about, right?

Absinthe

I'm sorry....I meant absence. I must have just put that as the title because I was thinking about the other day when my mother told me Miley Cyrus got caught smoking a bong and she claimed it was "Absinthe" (which keeps going in and out of legality, by the way) and NOT Pot. Of course we believe you, Miley! Not.

Poor girl. A role model to millions and she can't have fun by doing anything illegal. She's been robbed of the adolescent ability to know right from wrong and knowingly choose the wrong. Instead of her parents and and their friends finding out about her mistakes, she's got the whole world to worry about. Neighborhood gossip at its finest: The Tabloids.

Anyway, this is about me, NOT Miley. I felt that perhaps that was a lighthearted lead-in to what is sure to be a semi-depressing post. Sooooo.....let's get to it.


Please excuse my prolonged absence.

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. So I haven’t been doing my normal things. I love writing, yet I haven’t been able to bring myself to come here. I LOVE going out (perhaps sometimes too much) but I haven’t been able to make myself go.

I blame gray Kansas City.

Don’t get me wrong: I LOVE Kansas City….in the summertime. And during the holidays. But after the holidays and during the months of January and February (which I am convinced are the two most pointless months of the entire year), it’s cold and gray and there’s nothing going on. So I’d just rather sleep.

I realized this when, night after night, my friends would call me around 9/10ish telling me to go out with them aaaaaaaand I was in bed. In my pajamas in the dark having taken off my make-up, I was settling in with Bon Iver and getting ready to pass the F out. At 9pm. Am I a BABY?!?! It’s not like I planned to go to bed at this time. In fact, I never even looked at the clock until they would scream, “HALEY!!! IT’S 9:30!!!!”

“Ohh, really? I thought it was much later. Anyway, I’m going to pass. I’m tired.” And I would almost instantaneously escape into dreamland as I hung up.

I couldn’t bear the thought of tearing myself from my warm bed, getting dressed and re-doing my make-up to go out into the 20-something weather and drive 30 minutes to get where we wanted to go. That’s the other thing about Kansas City: we all live so far away from each other and the bars that it takes time, energy, and effort to get somewhere. And that’s the time, energy and effort I just don’t seem to have right now. So I fall asleep.

Whew, what a depressing post!

Don’t worry, my break hasn’t been so low-key and full of nothingness. I’ve had some really great times that, incidentally, can’t be recorded on the Internet. For future employer’s sake. And yours. And mine. But some can and will be recorded. Just not right now. I don’t have time: I’m going on a run. That’s where I do most of my thinking. It’s where I clear my head. And where I come up with some of my blog posts because I have the time to think. I made this quick little one because I felt like I owed you an explanation.

And if you didn’t need/want one, I did. So there it is.

Enjoy the months of January and February—I’ll be trying to pretend it’s June.

Where are you going?

This is a throwback. An oldie. A classic.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I was asked this question last night by an adult I've known for years....and I literally almost responded with, "an astronaut." (We'll discuss my tendencies for supplying sarcastic and unrealistic responses in order to disguise the unfortunate and boring reality that is my life later...)

Surprisingly, however, becoming an astronaut is just as likely as anything else right now. (Not really. I'm excessively exaggerating--I'm not in an engineering program, I have no plans of getting a PhD in space mechanics, and I have too sensitive of a stomach to pass one of those tests where they spin you around really quickly.) But still. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

Am I in the business school? Yes. Is there an obvious career path for me when I graduate? Sort of.


I was contemplating going to Grad school or getting a job immediately after graduation (which is looming in my too-soon future.) All of this was complicated even more--and fast forwarded--when I met with my advisor the other day and he informed me that I'm so ahead of the game that I can save myself a lot of time and money and graduate next December. NEXT DECEMBER. AKA....a year from now! This suggestion went in one ear and out of the other. It's out of the question.

First of all, I'll only be 22 and I'll have plenty of time on my hands; I plan to live until I'm 80. Don't we all? Ahhh the young; we're so indestructible. I'll still be working out to the max and answering trivia questions like Wikipedia. (Trust me, I've already taken measures to extend my life. I've begun using repairing eye cream and I do sudoku and crossword puzzles to keep my brain sharp.) Anyway, secondly, SMU pays for my tuition and room and board (and then some) so I actually won't save any money. Third of all, do I want to quit rowing the middle of my senior year? Answer: yes, I'll probably be so exhausted by then that I'll want to, but I know I'll miss it so incredibly much and regret that decision for the rest of my life. I'm not a quitter. So that's also out of the question.

Regardless, this new opportunity put me on the fast track for some decision making--it made me realize how close the future actually is...damnit. Since I decided to stay at SMU for another semester without any required classes, I think I'm going to try and turn my English minor into an English major. I LOVE English. And I have extra time.

This resulted in MORE questions. My advisor said a lot of people who major in English go to Law School. Law School? I've entertained the idea before, but I hate the thought of taking out student loans. And what if I don't like it? What if I end up never using my degree? What a waste. I just don't know.... And IF Law School, then where? SMU Law? In my dreams. So expensive. Could I even get in? I've gotta stay in the south, so UT Austin? I'd love to. California? I may go to Law School just to move to Cali....joking....but not. When do I take the LSAT? Do I pay the $1,200 for the LSAT prep class just to try to cram it into my already overflowing schedule in the spring? Sweet Jesus, this blows.

Do I graduate and then go straight to work? If so, where? I plan on staying in Dallas (sorry, family) so I'll probably get a risk management job working 60-70 hours a week and go for runs with my Great Dane after an exhilarating (joke) day at work. (Yes, that is one thing I'm certain of: I want a massive dog for my running buddy.) Perhaps I could think about and study for Law School after I graduate and get a job....good gracious this is difficult.

And what about writing? Future job or just a hobby? I've always dreamed of writing for a magazine or becoming a book editor but....we'll see. And, after all of this, will I just end up being a stay-at-home mom with 4 (hopefully) kids running around with paint all over their hands and mud all over their feet? No....freaking....clue.


Well, whatever. I know that whatever decision I make is the right decision and will take me where I need to go. Do I want to go to Law School? Sure. I just bought a pair of fake glasses the other day that make me look really smart and I'd fit right in. Do I want to work? Of course. Making money sure beats the hell out of spending it. Do I want to go to Grad School? Yeah, I'd put off the real world for a few more years. Mommy? Of course I want kids. So it looks like all options are valid.


Now, I just need a decision. Eh, maybe I'll make one in a few months.....maybe.





And now, the throwback:

Edit

You may have noticed that I edited my personal information to the left.

You may not have noticed because you honestly couldn't care less.**


Luckily for you, I don't care whether you noticed or not; I'm going to tell you why I changed it anyway.

I wish I could take the credit for the idea of changing my profile information, but I can't. A family friend messaged me pointing out some obvious contradictions between the info on the left and some of my blog entries. To be honest, I was a little embarrassed. How could it be so blatantly obvious that I wasn't correctly portraying myself in the box to the left as compared with how honest I was being in my posts? (Again, who really cares anyway? But just stick with me here.)

It got me thinking.

Am I being honest at all? Am I trying to portray myself in contradicting fashions to different audiences? Am I living by the well-known mantra "Do as I say, not as I do"? Unfortunately, I felt the answers were yes.

It got me acting.

I've decided to try this thing called "not-judging-people." I know, pretty novel idea right? Lately, I've been feeling like there's so much drama surrounding me that I shouldn't even be involved in at all. I hate drama. I don't cause drama. I refuse to partake in it. Yet, it still seems to slowly creep in and consume my thoughts and cause immense amounts of anxiety. Therefore, I've made a decision to stop worrying about what everyone else is doing and to ignore them when they come to me with new gossip and scandal. I need to quit critiquing others' decisions because, guess what, it's their decision. And (this is quite shocking as well) they live with those decisions, not me. I'm going to focus on myself and only the positivity in my life. I'm not going to judge others because (this is kind of selfish) I don't want them to judge me or my decisions. We need to highlight people's positive attributes, not dig for their dastardly imperfections and mistakes.

I'm editing myself.

Similarly, I'm going to try to be honest. No, I'm not going to empty my life story onto some complete stranger like the bank teller did to me the other day. I am, however, going to think, act, and speak as me. Not someone I want to be. Not someone I used to be. Not someone I'm going to be. But I need to focus more on being me.

Figuring out just exactly who is "me" is confusing and exhausting enough....so how can I possibly have the time, energy, and imagination to be someone I'm not?







**NOTE: the above entry is a bunch of random thoughts that have been floating around my head as a result of recent events that occurred this past weekend. It's a jumbled mess and I feel really weird that it's out there for everyone and their mom to read, but I suppose this is my first step in being open. I'm admitting my life isn't perfect, even though I always appear to be (HA). I apologize for the deep thoughts as of recent. More embarrassing stories will resurface soon.