I am 20 plus 1 divided by 2

That's right. I am actually 10.5 years old.

Chronologically, I turned 21 the other day. Mentally, I turned 11. Physically, I turned 35.

You see, in order to be 21, you have to be an adult. And you kinda, sorta have to know what you want to do with your life. At least a little.

Me? No. I don't know where the next year is going. I don't know where the past 10 years went. Or the last 6 months (2 of which were in Europe so I know why those months are missing....) But, still. A junior in college. And I'm officially freaking out.

T minus 1 and 1/2 years until I'm unwillingly pushed across a stage at graduation and handed a piece of paper saying, "Here's what you paid for, you're welcome, now kindly see yourself out." I suppose it's not as harsh as I'm making it out to be, but it's still really scary. I can see myself now: I accept the boot in the booty as I walk down the stairs and join the rest of humanity in the corporate world only to see about 100 paths in front of me and not know which one to choose. I run back up the stairs, give my piece of paper back to the Dean, and jump back down the other side.

"I'm not supposed to be a college grad. I'm not supposed to be a high school grad. When did I graduate grade school? Wasn't that like, yesterday?! I'm pretty sure it was. I can remember everything about that day, so it had to be yesterday. How can it possible be so far away?" I was so excited to go to high school and move on and up in the world. Experience new things. Be a cool college student. Become who I wanted to be. I figured I'd have that all figured out by my 20's. Because that's when you become a young, hot, 20-something sipping a cosmo at a cool bar and you're just in love with yourself.

But I'm a year past that deadline and I still don't know that girl. Where is she? Is she coming soon? Will she ever come?

Part of me thinks I need to just chill out for a sec, sit back, and accept things as they come. Part of me thinks I need to get everything figured out right now. Part of me thinks I'll never have it all figured out. Part of me is ok with that. Part of me is incredibly freaked out that that could even be possible.

I'm sure you're wondering where the 35-year-old comes in. (I don't think I'll ever mentally reach that age.....) As a college athlete, your body is torn down, and down, and down. I went to a concert the other night and just from standing for an hour or so, my back felt like it was about to break in half. It would be another story if I went crowd surfing (not a rookie), but this was from performing a necessary and everyday activity: standing up straight. Convinced that if a doctor took a look at my insides, he'd see some major issues. Which kind of scares me for when I turn 40----body of a 65-year-old? I HOPE NOT!

Anyway, this is really freaky. I'm 21. I'm 21. I'm 21. But how can I be? It literally seems impossible. I'm too young to be 21.