Just Let Go

So amidst my two-a-day practices Monday-Wednesday-Friday, schoolwork, babysitting schedule, internship, board position on SAAC and newly appointed board position on the Athletic Council of SMU Athletics (thank you, thank you), I have decided to take up yoga twice a week. On my only afternoons off. Call me crazy for working out two times a day every day of the week, but I don't really consider yoga a workout. Yes, I'm sweating balls and the instructor is trying to bend me in places that don't bend, but it's relaxing. It's soothing. And I learn a lot about myself in that hour that I devote totally to me. No one else is allowed to creep in and occupy my thoughts.

Everything else I'm involved in concerns someone else. I'm working for my team, for the school, for the parents and kids, for my teachers and grades. But during yoga, I'm working for myself. I stop for that one little hour twice a week and....just....breathe.

I was completely stressed all day today. About my bathroom. About my looming Accounting test and Marketing quiz. About the fact that I'm extremely sleep deprived. About those last ten pounds that I just want to lose already!!! But I made myself go to yoga.

And I'm so glad I did. I went with two of my really good friends and it was good to get to see them in the middle of all this craziness.

We were nearing the end of our practice for the day when the instructor led us to the tree pose. This is the pose where you're supposed to stand on one leg like a flamingo while the foot on your other leg is against your inner thigh and you're balancing all peaceful-like with your arms folded against your heart, your eyes closed, and you're quietly "ohhmmm-ing" while thinking about nature and flowing streams.

Not me.

I'm in the back corner flailing like a pigeon with ADD. I can barely balance with my foot on my inner ankle (a.k.a. right next to the floor) and it somehow makes sense that moving your arms all over the place will help you balance. I know, right?

Anyway, I finally found my balance with my foot on my ankle and was looking at myself in the mirror trying to focus on not falling over. I was trying so incredibly hard. The instructor was doing all this crazy Cirque-de-Solei stuff at the front and I was like, "Is this yoga? Or the prerequisite to an Orgy? Or....both?" when she told us to close our eyes. I was a little incredulous, but blindly followed anyway.

And I was still balancing!

This is when she told us to push past our center of gravity a little bit, find that sweet spot where you feel like you're just-about-to-fall-over, and then just........let........go. "Let go of your muscles and mind and body and let yourself fall. Let yourself come undone. You'll be ok, I promise."

And no matter how many times I told myself that it would be ok to let myself go, no matter how many times I told myself that the worst that could happen was that I fall on my mat and catch myself with my hands, no matter how many times I told myself that no one else is watching because they're too concerned about themselves, I just couldn't let myself fall. I repeated it in my mind: "Just fall. Just let go. Just come undone. It's ok. You have your friends here to help you if anything happens. Just let go. Everyone else is doing it. The instructor said it is ok. Just fall. Just fall. Just lean. A little. Bit. More...."

"Nope, can't do it. Can't let myself fall. Can't let myself go."

I learned a lot about myself today. I learned that I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect all the time. And I get upset and worried when I'm not perfect. But it's a fact of life that I will never ever be perfect. And even though I know this, I can't accept it yet. I know that tomorrow I will be striving for perfection in everything I do. And I'll get upset when I don't reach it. Someday I'll come to terms with this. But for now, at least I've taken a baby step and acknowledged this fact.

So even though I basically got my butt kicked at yoga today and found out that I'll never be perfect, I came home completely relaxed with a huge smile on my face. My body is completely stretched out and my mind is at ease.

And I'll do the best I can in everything I do, knowing that I'll never be perfect. And that's perfectly acceptable.


For you, my dears: