The Office: The Grand Finale

So Kelly is the brains of this whole Russian Mafia Operation and I suppose I am the carrier-outer. Whatever. I like it.

Friday was our last day and we decided we needed to tell Nathan the truth....but NOT without one last addition. AKA the GRAND FINALE.

We decide that Toby has been fired. Rather, Kelly informs me that Marsha (our boss) received an anonymous phone call that if Toby is not fired, the entire office's safety is in jeopardy. Therefore, to protect the 70+ people, Marsha must quietly inform Toby that he must clean out his desk and remove himself from the office and speak to no one of this incident.

Conveniently, Kelly and I have meetings with Marsha Friday morning. This is when she lets such private information "slip out" and thus we are the only ones privy to the information, duh.

We inform Nathan of recent occurrences during lunch as always.

He sits down and asks how our meetings with Marsha went.

Kelly: "Mine went pretty well. She liked the work I did this summer. She did let something interesting slip out, however...Toby has been fired. But she told me not to tell anyone."

Me: "No way! She told me that too! But she told me not to tell anyone. And then she felt bad for saying it..."

Nathan: "Oh my God. Are you guys serious?! Why did Toby get fired??? It's the gambling thing, isn't it?! I knew it!"

Me: "Nathan, I seriously doubt Toby is in trouble for gambling. For real, he is in the middle of building a new house. And he is money-savy. He's not stupid enough to get in so much debt."

Kelly: "Yeah, I don't know what it is, but he's moving out during lunch. You should see his office when we get back. All of his stuff is gone!"

Nathan: "OHMIGOD! You're kidding! I have to see!"

As soon as lunch is over, we get in the elevator and ride up to our floor. Nathan is looking expectantly at our floor number and trying to use his super-mental powers to get us there quicker. The doors open and he runs down the hall....

.....to see Toby quietly working at his desk.

"Hi, Nathan." Toby says. (He knows what's up)

Nathan: "But...Kelly and Haley said you were fired."

Me: "Nathan, there is something we have to tell you..."

Kelly and I start giggling.

"....Toby isn't being hunted by the Russian Mafia."

Nathan: "He isn't?! ARE YOU SURE?!"

Kelly: "Yes, we're sure."

Me: "We made the whole thing up."

Nathan: "But...you were so serious...and convincing."

Me: "I know. You actually gave us the idea when you told us the story about Toby being guarded by security at his old job."

Nathan: "OH my gosh! I forgot I told you that!"

Me: "Yeah...we kind of took that and ran with it. And then we made up the whole vandalized car story and changed name and being fired and everything. You almost did more work than us with your deciding he was an indebted pool shark and his last name used to be Kowasaki and everything."

Nathan: "But you said it all with such a straight face!"

Me: "Actually, I was laughing the whole time but you never noticed because you always giggle as well."

Nathan: "That's true I suppose..."

Kelly: "And you never questioned the whole 'person-slamming-their-hands-into-the-windshield-without-any-blood-or-evidence' thing."

Nathan: "Now that you mention it, that does sound kind of fishy...."

We are all laughing hysterically, even Nathan, Marsha and Toby.

Nathan: "You know, I was really scared of Toby. I thought that if I associated myself with him that the Russian Mafia might come after me as well. I even told my parents."

Me: "YOU TOLD YOUR PARENTS?!" I'm actually quite concerned. This is serious.

Nathan: "Yeah, I told my dad the whole story and then I asked him if it was safe to continue working here. He said, 'That sure is interesting, son.'"

Toby: "You see, Haley! Your actions could have repurcussions! Nathan could have quit his job over nothing and been jobless!" He is being half-kidding...I think.

Me: "Oh well it was a harmless prank and everything is good now..." (Dodged a freaking bullet, I tell you.)

Nathan: "You're telling me! I started looking for clues around Toby's office about how he's not a real Texan. I mean, he has that huge Texas flag on his wall. Now seriously, who else besides a non-Texan who is trying to convince others he is Texan needs a huge ostentatious flag on his wall like that?"

Me: "I don't know, maybe a proud Texan?"

Nathan: "Shut up, Haley. Anyway, I also started looking at pictures of his kids and began thinking they were fake. I mean, they didn't look that much like him. They could have been posers for all I know. And that whole story about him babysitting his grandkids? Come on. He doesn't look old enough to have grand kids. And even so, if those kids aren't his real kids, then he doesn't have real grand kids."

Kelly: "See what I mean, Nathan? You did just as much work as us with keeping this whole thing going!"

Nathan: "I suppose you're right. Even so, I'm glad you told me before you left so I'm not afraid of Toby for the rest of my life."

And then we all bust out into fits of laughter again. Nathan walks Kelly and I to our car.

Nathan: "I don't know what I am going to do without you guys. I really am going to miss you."

Kelly: "Well perhaps you will have to hire us as your personal assistants/entertainers."

Nathan: "I will try to factor that into the budget."


Honestly, I actually will miss that place. And all the potential pranks that await there.

The Office: Part Deux

It’s the last week of our internship so Kelly and I thought it necessary to continue with the whole Toby-is-hiding-from-the-Russian-Mafia thing. We’re brainstorming Tuesday morning when Kelly all of a sudden decides we’re giving Toby a ride home that evening.

Me: “Whyyyyy are we giving Toby a ride home?”

Kelly: “Because someone vandalized his car last night so he couldn’t drive to work today. His wife dropped him off but she can’t pick him up.”

Me: “Perfect! He’ll ask us because we already carpool—so he’ll just want to join.”

Kelly: “Ok, sure.”

Me: “I can’t wait for lunch.”


Kelly and I are eating in the cafeteria when Nathan joins. Immediately upon arriving, Nathan informs us for the 5th time today that he has a few meetings in the afternoon. I take this as the perfect opportunity to carry out Operation B.S.

Me: “What time are your meetings today, Nathan?”

Nathan: “2:00, 2:30, and 3:00.”

Me: “Do you have anything to do after that or are you just going to go home?”

Nathan: “Ohhh that’s a good idea! No, I don’t have anything to do.”

Me: “Lucky! Kelly and I have to stay until 5:30 today!”

Nathan: (shocked) “Why? You never stay that late.”

Kelly: “I know. We have to give Toby a ride home.”

Nathan: “YOU HAVE TO GIVE TOBY A RIDE HOME?! Oh man, are you serious? Do you know where he lives?”

Kelly and I exchange nervous glances—we hadn’t thought that far.

Kelly: “No, he didn’t tell us. I think we are meeting his wife somewhere though.”

Me: "We're on a need-to-know basis."

Nathan: “Oh good! Because he lives like 45 minutes away in ___.”

Me: "As far as you know..."

Nathan: “Wait, WHY are you giving TOBY a ride home?”

Kelly: “Because he doesn’t have a car.”

Nathan: “What? Why doesn’t he have a car?”

Kelly: “He went out to his car this morning and someone had taken like a baseball bat to it this morning and broke the windshield in. He couldn’t drive it to work today so his wife dropped him off.”

Nathan: “Oh my gosh! Are you serious?! WHY is Toby a target??”

Me: “I don’t know, but I feel so bad.”

Nathan: “Ok, what is going on with Toby? There’s no way people are after him because he’s a claims adjuster for an insurance broker. There has to be something going on. Maybe he got into some gambling trouble and doesn’t have the money to get out of it.”

I can’t even look at Kelly or else I’ll laugh hysterically and blow it.

Me: “No way. He’s building a new house. There’s no way he could build a new house if he is being threatened for his life for gambling.”

Nathan: “Hmm…I guess so. But there has got to be something else going on here. So it was a baseball bat?”

Kelly: “Well, they don’t know if it was a baseball bat exactly. It could be anything: a crow bar, a person pushing someone else really hard into the car, a pole, or someone just hit the windshield really hard with their hands.”

I am about to start cracking up. Is it possible to break a windshield by hitting it? Not only that, but no blood?

This is of no concern to Nathan.

Nathan: “Well, ugh, why is he telling YOU TWO all of this? I was talking to him earlier for 30 minutes and he didn’t tell me anything!”

Me: “I don’t know. It’s probably because we are women and women are more sympathetic than men. If he told another guy in the office that someone busted his car up, they’d probably just say, ‘Oh suck it up.’”

Nathan: “I wouldn’t. I’ve been trying to talk to him a lot lately and be there for him. I mean, I’m probably his 3rd best friend in the office after you two.”

I’m dying.

Me: “Well he’ll probably confide in you a lot more when we leave here on Friday.”

Nathan: “Ok, yeah, good.”


So we go back upstairs after lunch and I have to inform Toby of recent events.

I tell him, “So….I just gave Nathan an update on your ‘life’.”

Toby: “OHHH NOOOOO! (laughing) Is that why when he just walked by here he gave me a funny look?”

Me: “Haha yeah probably.”

Toby: “I can’t believe he believes you! This is too good—I have to get in on this. Perhaps HR would like to as well….”

The Office: Operation B.S.

I’m horrible at lying. However, I can never pass up the opportunity to pull the wool over someone’s eyes (see Interpret What You Will of December 2010).

Usually my friends can tell I’m lying because I can’t help smiling and laughing when I’m telling them something ridiculous. My co-worker, however, laughs enough on his own that when I’m playing a practical joke on him, I can laugh away and he still believes me. But whenever I’m about to start laughing so hard and am about to give my joke away, I have to put a bite in my mouth to keep myself from howling with laughter (we are usually at lunch when my bull****ing commences).

Anyway, this began last week at lunch when Kelly, Nathan and I were at lunch. We ask Nathan how his meeting with Toby went and he replies, “Good, good, it all went very well. You know, he told me some crazy stories about when he was in claims at this other company in the northeast (we work in the insurance industry). The Russian Mafia would call him and tell him to give them the money for their cars that crashed and he wouldn’t because they did it on purpose and that’s insurance fraud and that’s illegal. Anyway, they told him to ‘Watch yo self’ and then later there was a black tinted low-rider circling his building. He had to call for an escort out. You know, some people have to get help from some sort of service and go into hiding after stuff like that.”

Kelly: “Yeah, like they have to change their names and stuff.”

Nathan (misinterpreting Kelly’s comment): “Oh my gosh! Did Toby change his name?!”

This is when a light bulb goes off in my head and I immediately seize the opportunity presented.

Me: “You mean you didn’t know?!”

Nathan: “No! How do you know?? I had no idea!”

Me: “Well Kelly and I started working here the same day as Toby and he looked a little unnerved. I started talking to him but he wasn’t responding. I kept saying, ‘Toby…Toby…Toby? Are you ok?’ And he just looked at me with a confused look on his face and goes, ‘Who’s Toby?’ I was really surprised and said, ‘Uhh…that’s your name isn’t it?’ He got all fidgety and nervous and said, ‘Oh yes, yeah my name is Toby. Yes that is my name.’ So then I made him tell me why he didn’t know his own name and he was so flustered he ended up telling me the whole story. He and his family had to move from the northeast to Texas and change their name and everything. It’s been really hard on his kids.”

Nathan: “I KNEW his name wasn’t Toby! He looks half-asian or something. And his last name? I mean come on, that’s not his real last name. He had to have changed it from Kowasaki or something. This is insane.”

Me: “I know! But don’t tell anyone. I don’t think he wants the whole office to know because he’s just trying to stay low key and rebuild his life. He doesn’t want any special treatment.”

Nathan: “Oh yeah sure, sure. Of course. Wait, isn’t he moving into a new house?”

Me: “Yeah, they’re building one right now. His family is currently staying in an extended-stay hotel.” (This is actually true. It helps to have some truth to a prank. It makes it easier and more believable.)

Nathan: “Are you sure? He told me they were living in a small house.”

Me: “No, he told me they were staying in a hotel.”

Nathan: “Well, I’m positive he told me a small house.”

Me: “It sounds like he needs to get his story straight before telling people where he “lives”.”

Nathan: “Yeah, this is a pretty serious predicament. He shouldn’t just be going around telling people different things. They are bound to figure it out.”

Me: “I agree.”

Nathan: “Well I’m going to try to get to the bottom of this. I’m gonna talk to him more often and see if he tells me anything.”

Me: “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. He’s in a really fragile place right now.”

Nathan: “I’ll be discreet.”

So lunch ends and we go back to work. I am almost peeing my pants in the elevator and HAVE to tell Toby what I just did. I immediately go to his office and recount the entire tale. He says, “You are terrible! I can’t believe he believed you!”

Me: “I know! I’m sorry, but it was just too good to pass up. I’ll tell him before Kelly and I’s last day, I promise.”

Toby: “Ok, but we’ll have a little fun before you guys leave.”


Sounds like a plan.