I’m horrible at lying. However, I can never pass up the opportunity to pull the wool over someone’s eyes (see Interpret What You Will of December 2010).
Usually my friends can tell I’m lying because I can’t help smiling and laughing when I’m telling them something ridiculous. My co-worker, however, laughs enough on his own that when I’m playing a practical joke on him, I can laugh away and he still believes me. But whenever I’m about to start laughing so hard and am about to give my joke away, I have to put a bite in my mouth to keep myself from howling with laughter (we are usually at lunch when my bull****ing commences).
Anyway, this began last week at lunch when Kelly, Nathan and I were at lunch. We ask Nathan how his meeting with Toby went and he replies, “Good, good, it all went very well. You know, he told me some crazy stories about when he was in claims at this other company in the northeast (we work in the insurance industry). The Russian Mafia would call him and tell him to give them the money for their cars that crashed and he wouldn’t because they did it on purpose and that’s insurance fraud and that’s illegal. Anyway, they told him to ‘Watch yo self’ and then later there was a black tinted low-rider circling his building. He had to call for an escort out. You know, some people have to get help from some sort of service and go into hiding after stuff like that.”
Kelly: “Yeah, like they have to change their names and stuff.”
Nathan (misinterpreting Kelly’s comment): “Oh my gosh! Did Toby change his name?!”
This is when a light bulb goes off in my head and I immediately seize the opportunity presented.
Me: “You mean you didn’t know?!”
Nathan: “No! How do you know?? I had no idea!”
Me: “Well Kelly and I started working here the same day as Toby and he looked a little unnerved. I started talking to him but he wasn’t responding. I kept saying, ‘Toby…Toby…Toby? Are you ok?’ And he just looked at me with a confused look on his face and goes, ‘Who’s Toby?’ I was really surprised and said, ‘Uhh…that’s your name isn’t it?’ He got all fidgety and nervous and said, ‘Oh yes, yeah my name is Toby. Yes that is my name.’ So then I made him tell me why he didn’t know his own name and he was so flustered he ended up telling me the whole story. He and his family had to move from the northeast to Texas and change their name and everything. It’s been really hard on his kids.”
Nathan: “I KNEW his name wasn’t Toby! He looks half-asian or something. And his last name? I mean come on, that’s not his real last name. He had to have changed it from Kowasaki or something. This is insane.”
Me: “I know! But don’t tell anyone. I don’t think he wants the whole office to know because he’s just trying to stay low key and rebuild his life. He doesn’t want any special treatment.”
Nathan: “Oh yeah sure, sure. Of course. Wait, isn’t he moving into a new house?”
Me: “Yeah, they’re building one right now. His family is currently staying in an extended-stay hotel.” (This is actually true. It helps to have some truth to a prank. It makes it easier and more believable.)
Nathan: “Are you sure? He told me they were living in a small house.”
Me: “No, he told me they were staying in a hotel.”
Nathan: “Well, I’m positive he told me a small house.”
Me: “It sounds like he needs to get his story straight before telling people where he “lives”.”
Nathan: “Yeah, this is a pretty serious predicament. He shouldn’t just be going around telling people different things. They are bound to figure it out.”
Me: “I agree.”
Nathan: “Well I’m going to try to get to the bottom of this. I’m gonna talk to him more often and see if he tells me anything.”
Me: “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. He’s in a really fragile place right now.”
Nathan: “I’ll be discreet.”
So lunch ends and we go back to work. I am almost peeing my pants in the elevator and HAVE to tell Toby what I just did. I immediately go to his office and recount the entire tale. He says, “You are terrible! I can’t believe he believed you!”
Me: “I know! I’m sorry, but it was just too good to pass up. I’ll tell him before Kelly and I’s last day, I promise.”
Toby: “Ok, but we’ll have a little fun before you guys leave.”
Sounds like a plan.
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