Alright, soooo I've recently developed some back issues. What a semester, huh? It's actually not that big of a deal. My back has been a little tweaked on and off for last year and this semester. Lots of girls on my team have back issues so I'm thinking that it's kind of normal....except for the fact that pain really isn't normal...I think our coach just wants us to keep rowing....
It's like child labor except that I'm 20 and in college in the 21st century. I probably shouldn't say that in case anyone at SMU Athletics is reading this. Which I'm sure they're not. They're probably too busy counting the money they're saving from their new policy where Student-Athletes can't drop a course even if their failing. But that's a rant for another day....
So today I had an appointment for A.R.T. It's just this place outside of SMU that our trainer sends us for deep stretching (a.k.a. I don't know what it stands for). And when she told me that people were going to be stretching me out, she was making a HUGE understatement. As soon as I walked in the door they were like, "Woah, what's wrong with you?" "Umm..nothing. I'm just walking??" "Well, uhh, you're really messed up." "Thaaaaanks." They could just tell from the way I was walking that something was wrong with my glutes, hamstrings, and back muscles. This will be fun, I thought. I'll get a good deep stretch and feel completely refreshed. WRONG.
What followed for the next hour was intense, excruciating pain. PAIN. PAIN. PAIN. Two big men were making me curl up into a ball while they dug their hands into my muscles (to hold them still) as they slowly pulled and twisted my legs and arms away from my body. When my trainer said deep stretching, I think she meant that they were going to turn me into a contortionist against mine and my body's will. While they were "stretching me out" I am 100 percent positive that they were attempting to touch the wall 30 feet away from my bed. And I'm really not just trying to be funny when I say that. While they were pulling on my legs I really thought there was a bull's eye on the wall across from my bed and they got a bonus if they hit the big red circle. I looked after they let me get up but they must have taken it down while I was taking inventory of my muscles and ligaments.
Don't even get me started on where they put their hands. I was like, "Is this legal? Should I be concerned?" Talk about every single muscle of my butt got some. I'm pretty sure their orientation went like this: 1) Dig a hand as hard as you can into a muscle in patient's cheek. Go extra hard if she's a girl. 2) Pull the leg gently (optional, of course) away from the body and hold your hand firm in its place to be sure to not let the muscle go anywhere--this is what it's naturally trying to do as you pull the leg away but you need to fight that. 3) Move your hand a few tiny centimeters down from the spot you were just at. Be careful not to move too far or you'll miss something in that cheek and you'll have to start all over again. Then again, feel free to start over. Hey, it's not your body that's feeling the pain. 4) Go to the front side to get the "hip flexers". (Don't even get me started on that area--you don't wanna know.)
I also chose the completely wrong outfit to wear. I wore a t-shirt and gym shorts. That seems perfectly acceptable for stretching, right? WRONG. Every time they moved my leg, my shorts began to creep up and I was worried that, well....I was revealing too much leg.
Note for next time: wear pants. If there even is a next time. I'm standing while I'm writing this because I can't sit on my behind because it's yelling at me. Really loudly, too. Or is that about the chocolate I ate today? I can't tell anymore!!!!
But really, I would like to thank those people. I think. I'm pretty sure my body will feel better tomorrow. Or Friday. In the long run, I think it was worth it. Obviously, or else my trainer wouldn't have sent me there. So thank you, big burly men, for making me very uncomfortable for an hour as you tried to get my body back to normal. Too bad I'm no where close to normal. Guess I'll be seeing a lot more of them from now on. First name basis, here I come.
Oh, and I'm stealing that bull's eye sheet.
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