Whew! Life is rough. I really didn't know it was this hard. Mom, you could have told me that there was a little bit more than going to high school, then college, then working, getting married, making babies and living happily ever after. Then again, my 5-year-old self would have been traumatized for life and you probably wouldn't have been able to get me out of the house for the next 15 years. Which would have sucked for everyone involved.
I've been going through a slump recently. My mom and I think I have a mild case of SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder. Every year around this time I get a little more sad, have less energy and drive to do the things I love to do, and crave really, really bad food. Which is weird because I am usually a very healthy eater--especially in the summer. Everything is different in the summer. I love to be outside and workout and do everything but eat. In the winter it's totally different. I only want chocolate and to lounge around and do nothing. And I don't like it, even though I want to do it. Does that make sense?
SAD can be caused by different things related to the seasons changing and varies into different levels of severity. I obviously have a very mild case because I am still a functioning girl/woman/adult/kid/whatever-you-are-at-20. Well, normal for me anyway. Most people with it are affected by the lack of light experienced in the winter versus summer. Honestly, this is one of the reasons I decided to move to Texas. No, it wasn't a huge reason, but it was still a factor in my thinking.
This happened to me every year in high school starting freshman year. And we could never figure out what was going on until after a few years. So this year, I'm trying really hard to fight it. Like, really, really hard. I'm trying to eat right so I don't gain weight and get even more unhappy. But it's so hard not to do something that your brain is telling you it wants to do! And it's so hard to try and make yourself happy when your brain is telling you that you aren't as happy as you're used to being. And I'm usually a very happy person. I'm a born optimistic.
Don't get me wrong or anything! I'm not depressed! It's just a little slump due to the weather and stresses of school that always builds up around this time of the year. It's still unfortunate, but I'll get over it.
Man, this post is kind of depressing! Haha sorry! But it's still interesting, maybe? Like now you know something about me that not many people know? Wow, now I feel kind of vulnerable. But hey, you're taking time out of your day to read what I have to say so that must mean something right?
Now don't get me started on the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life! I have so many life plans that I don't know which road to take! I think I want to do something like AmeriCorps or TeachforAmerica right out of college. You know, go somewhere I've never been and help people I've never met. If I get married and start a family or career then I'll never have that opportunity again. But what if while I'm gone I miss out on married life and having kids? Or my life takes a different path and I never quite get back to that opportunity?
I'm also thinking about Grad school or law school. Which means debt. Yay. My dad has this awesome plan for me where I graduate from SMU, go to Law School, start working for the NCAA and eventually work my way up so that I help put together the major tournaments. Which did sound really cool when he was describing it...until my brain clicked. "Uhh, dad? This means you want courtside tickets to the the Final Four?" "Uhhh...."
You see, the biggest thing I fear in my life is regrets. I am such a second-guesser and always live in fear that I'm not optimizing my time doing what I'm doing or I don't know if I'm doing the right thing for me or if I really and truly like what I'm doing or I just tell myself I like where I am so that I can pretend that everything is great....
sorry, that was a mouthful.
I'm such a worrier. And I try not to be a worrier but it's just who I am! It's like, I think I know what I want, and then when I get it, I actually don't want it, I want something else, but no, that thing is no good either.... I guess I'm just not satisfied. And I've heard it's good to not be satisfied? So that you'll always be looking for something more? But what about being totally sure of your life and what you're doing? Shouldn't that be a good thing to do too?
Wow, depressing post. But at least I got it out. And was semi-philosophical.
Or maybe just crazy.
You're welcome.
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