I'm Really Upset and Confused.

And I'm being selfish.

Tuesday was the first day of school. I called one of my close friends to book a gossip sesh to discuss all the fun/good/bad/silly/stupid/crazy/inappropriate things we did over break. After a few hours of trying to catch each other between classes and playing phone tag, I finally got her on the phone.

But something was wrong. I could tell.

"What's going on?" I asked.
"Well, did you check that website I sent you an hour ago?"
"No I haven't been home yet today. Why?" I had seen the link on my phone, but couldn't access the internet to read it. There was a woman's name (her Godmother) and "Caring Bridge" in the url, so I figured it was a charity my friend's Godmother was starting. She was such a caring and giving woman that I am not surprised that I jumped to that conclusion.

But it was the wrong one.

"Well," she said, "Shelly was skiing down a mountain in Aspen this weekend when she had a brain aneurysm." Oh no, I thought. Oh no, no, no, no, NO. This beautiful woman cannot die. "And they airlifted her to a hospital in Denver," she continued. No. "And she was in a drug-induced coma..." nooooo, please don't say it. "....until they took her off of life support this morning. She had too much brain damage."

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. My eyes immediately filled with tears. And one word kept running through my mind.

Unbelieveable.

"Caroline, are you ok? Do you want me to come over?"
"No..." sniffs, "I'm fine. But I'm not going to class later. I can't."
"That's fine. Don't go. But I'm going to come over later is that ok?"
"No, you don't have to. It's fine, really."
HA, yeah right. Like I'm going to let you sit on your couch alone and think about her death all day long. So what did I do? Ran to the grocery store to pick up the latest Cosmopolitan magazine and a 6-pack of Blue Moon beer, of course. It won't heal the wound, but it'll help a little.

I'm still in shock that such an amazing woman could leave us just like that. Skiing with her husband and friends one moment and then in the next instant is moments away from death.

You wonder, how can I have such a reaction about one of my friend's Godmothers who I can't possibly know all that well? Well, this is something different. I had the pleasure of meeting her over two years ago in her fashion boutique 4510 here in Dallas. My friend Caroline took me there to have lunch and show me around. It is one of Oprah's favorite stores in Dallas....and one of mine too! Expect I can't afford anything there. Hah, but seriously.

I remember the first time I met her. She gave me a big smile, hug, and a, "Wow, Caroline sure can pick beautiful friends!" You know how people can give you compliments out the wahzoo and you know they're just being fake and don't really mean them? Well this was not Shelly. AT ALL. She was so genuine and loved everyone and you could feel that whenever she smiled at you, gave you a hug, or looked you in the eyes when she was talking to you. Her eyes sparkled, I swear. She was something special.

Which was why I was so shocked. As soon as those words left Caroline's lips, I imagined Shelly strutting over to us with her arms wide open for a hug as we walked in. She was always so happy to see you, she always made you feel good about yourself, and she always listened to what you had to say like it was the most important thing in the world.

Right now, I still can't believe she's gone. My mom and I were going to go visit her when we were in Dallas over New Year's, but we found out she was skiing in Aspen. "No big deal," I thought. "We'll see her when she comes back. We'll go have lunch at 4510 when she'll be there."

I never thought that I wouldn't get to see her again.

Which is why I'm selfish. I didn't even get to see her again! Imagine how wonderful of a woman she was if I, someone who has been around her only a handful of times, is mourning her loss. Imagine how her closest family and friends must feel! I can't even comprehend.

She will truly be missed. I still can't believe she is dead. I don't know when it will sink in.

If you want to see how amazing of a person she was, visit this website. Her family started it after her death to let everyone who knew her know what was going on. It has had over 12,000 hits and 340 comments in the guestbook. I told you she was something special.