Limbo

I sincerely apologize in my lack of posts. I have, as you know, been traveling around like a chicken with my head cut-off among five (France, Belgium, Germany, UK, US) different countries in the past week. This left little time to blog.

I arrived home Sunday evening. My plane landed safely in the US and the first thing I thought of when I passed a Margarita bar in Chicago's O'Hara Airport was, "Oh LORD after all this travelling I deserve a margarita." And then it hit me. And I stopped walking. As my face drained of color and I sank slowly to the floor, I realized that, once again, I am now under the legal drinking age. After having the liberty to stop in the middle of a shopping trip with friends for a glass of wine any time we pleased, I now feel like something has been taken away from me. And I. Don't. Like it.

I boarded my other plane and landed without a hitch in KC. As I walked out of the gate entirely exhausted, I saw my family with big smiles on their faces, waving signs and taking pictures of me. And it made me so happy. I missed them so much.

Fast forward to Monday at 10 AM. I have a weird feeling all night and all morning. And I can't figure out what it is. I just dropped my dad off somewhere and am driving back home while listening to my Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros CD when "Home" comes on. And I realize what's going on.

I'm stuck in Limbo. I have an awkward 4 days ahead of me where I just have to wander around aimlessly as I wait for the next part of my life to begin: junior year. As "Home" plays, I get the chills. And usually you only get the chills for a couple seconds, right? No, not this time. And this was the first time it happened to me. I had the chills the whole time the song was playing. I was full of so many mixed emotions I hadn't even noticed until then. I think the song really got to me because I'm not really sure where my home is right now. At Oxford, I really made a life for myself there. I had my routines. We had the places we went on certain days to hang out and/or shop. We ate at the same times and at the same places. I loved my room. I did my own thing there a lot and I loved it. One night (after being out) I absentmindedly updated my status saying, "Just got home for the night! What fun!" and one of my friends from KC commented saying, "WHAT? England is home now?!" I didn't really think about it that way, but I guess subconsciously I had become really comfortable there and it became my new normal. I loved it so much and I guess I really can see myself living there someday. (Perhaps thats why tears were streaming down my cheeks at 5 AM the morning we were leaving...) I mean, KC will always be my childhood home--and my family and old friends are here--but I also think Dallas is my new home, my current home. School, rowing, SAAC, my job, my apartment, and my other friends are there. Our local hangouts, where I shop for food for MY fridge, where we go on the weekends...it's all there. And it's all mine. Being in KC these past couple of days has been great, don't get me wrong, but I've had to find things to do to fill my time. Things that were ok to do, but didn't really have much of a purpose. Not like how I spend my time in Dallas: I'm on my own and everything has a purpose. Here, everyone has already left for their respective colleges, my parents are back at work, and all the grade schools and high schools have started. It's as if I'm the only one who's life hasn't come back yet. I feel like I'm sitting around, waiting for something to happen or begin, even though I'm doing anything and everything to fill my days.

So there you have it. I have two more days to unpack, clean, and repack everything in my room. And then try to find other things to do. Because everyone is getting on with their lives and mine's not ready to pick back up yet.



Even though it's basically a love song, I still love it. And it still makes me think about where my home is.