So amidst my two-a-day practices Monday-Wednesday-Friday, schoolwork, babysitting schedule, internship, board position on SAAC and newly appointed board position on the Athletic Council of SMU Athletics (thank you, thank you), I have decided to take up yoga twice a week. On my only afternoons off. Call me crazy for working out two times a day every day of the week, but I don't really consider yoga a workout. Yes, I'm sweating balls and the instructor is trying to bend me in places that don't bend, but it's relaxing. It's soothing. And I learn a lot about myself in that hour that I devote totally to me. No one else is allowed to creep in and occupy my thoughts.
Everything else I'm involved in concerns someone else. I'm working for my team, for the school, for the parents and kids, for my teachers and grades. But during yoga, I'm working for myself. I stop for that one little hour twice a week and....just....breathe.
I was completely stressed all day today. About my bathroom. About my looming Accounting test and Marketing quiz. About the fact that I'm extremely sleep deprived. About those last ten pounds that I just want to lose already!!! But I made myself go to yoga.
And I'm so glad I did. I went with two of my really good friends and it was good to get to see them in the middle of all this craziness.
We were nearing the end of our practice for the day when the instructor led us to the tree pose. This is the pose where you're supposed to stand on one leg like a flamingo while the foot on your other leg is against your inner thigh and you're balancing all peaceful-like with your arms folded against your heart, your eyes closed, and you're quietly "ohhmmm-ing" while thinking about nature and flowing streams.
Not me.
I'm in the back corner flailing like a pigeon with ADD. I can barely balance with my foot on my inner ankle (a.k.a. right next to the floor) and it somehow makes sense that moving your arms all over the place will help you balance. I know, right?
Anyway, I finally found my balance with my foot on my ankle and was looking at myself in the mirror trying to focus on not falling over. I was trying so incredibly hard. The instructor was doing all this crazy Cirque-de-Solei stuff at the front and I was like, "Is this yoga? Or the prerequisite to an Orgy? Or....both?" when she told us to close our eyes. I was a little incredulous, but blindly followed anyway.
And I was still balancing!
This is when she told us to push past our center of gravity a little bit, find that sweet spot where you feel like you're just-about-to-fall-over, and then just........let........go. "Let go of your muscles and mind and body and let yourself fall. Let yourself come undone. You'll be ok, I promise."
And no matter how many times I told myself that it would be ok to let myself go, no matter how many times I told myself that the worst that could happen was that I fall on my mat and catch myself with my hands, no matter how many times I told myself that no one else is watching because they're too concerned about themselves, I just couldn't let myself fall. I repeated it in my mind: "Just fall. Just let go. Just come undone. It's ok. You have your friends here to help you if anything happens. Just let go. Everyone else is doing it. The instructor said it is ok. Just fall. Just fall. Just lean. A little. Bit. More...."
"Nope, can't do it. Can't let myself fall. Can't let myself go."
I learned a lot about myself today. I learned that I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect all the time. And I get upset and worried when I'm not perfect. But it's a fact of life that I will never ever be perfect. And even though I know this, I can't accept it yet. I know that tomorrow I will be striving for perfection in everything I do. And I'll get upset when I don't reach it. Someday I'll come to terms with this. But for now, at least I've taken a baby step and acknowledged this fact.
So even though I basically got my butt kicked at yoga today and found out that I'll never be perfect, I came home completely relaxed with a huge smile on my face. My body is completely stretched out and my mind is at ease.
And I'll do the best I can in everything I do, knowing that I'll never be perfect. And that's perfectly acceptable.
For you, my dears:
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Bathroom from Hell
I'll paint you a nice little picture.
You walk in and immediately see the ceiling of Frankenstein's laboratory. There's different wires hanging all over, tin foil trying to cover up the sad excuse for an air conditioner and silver tubes running the length of the shower. The tubes are beginning to dip lower and lower so that every time you DO brave the shower, you are afraid you might get electrocuted while washing your hair.
Before you step into the shower, however, you have to shut the door. Well you might as well forget about that because after the first...second...third...fourth...fifteenth time of trying to slam the door shut with all of your weight impaled on it, it promptly shoots open. Today, after about the 11th time, my roommate yelled, "SHUT IT AND THEN while you're holding it shut, put all of your weight into the door. But act like you're going to open it and then jiggle the handle a few times so the little thing inside the handle comes unstuck!!!!!" So after I did that and turned my underwear inside out and did a little rain dance to the Egyptian gods all while saying the 'Our Father'.....the door swung open.
Not like it's anything new; I've been taking a shower with the door open all week. There's a curtain after all. And I live with two other girls who I am 100% certain are into guys, so I'm not really worried. The only thing that really bothers me is when I have to use the toilet that is RIGHT IN FRONT OF the door. So every time I'm sitting there, I'm super paranoid that someone is going to turn the corner and that it's about to get awkward. We've tried to avoid this unpleasant confrontation by announcing that we're using the restroom every time we have to go...which is also super awkward when you have company over. But it's not as bad as when they have to use the restroom...hahaa.
Also, the towel rack is coming off of the wall. We've strategically placed the nail that is (failing) to stay in the wall at such an angle that the towel rack is balancing by just a thread. So every time we throw a towel on it and forget that we actually can't use our towel rack, the whole thing comes undone and falls into our toilet. Thus prompting us to strategically fix our unusable towel rack again. I forget why we go through all this trouble.
Back to the shower:
We've completely ignored the whole every-time-you-take-a-shower-the-water-level-immediately-rises-to-mid-calf issue because our landlord said our hair was clogging the drain and we just needed some Draino. Well we've poured bottle after bottle of Draino down that freaking drain and NOTHING has happened. So when we were lucky enough to have some plumbers in the apartment fixing the other shower, (don't get me started) we had them look at the drain in this one and--ta da!--it has the completely wrong parts. AKA nothing is our fault and there's nothing that Draino can fix. Oh, Lord.
So our landlord said he's going to get our shower all fixed up as soon as he can...or as soon as he can come up with the money...which he said is hard to come by these days because of the economy. And we were like all sympathetic and what-not.
Until yesterday when my roommate was taking a shower while dealing with the possibility of being electrocuted and the tub full of water up to her ankles when I hear a loud BOOM come from the bathroom. I sigh and wonder, "What could possibly be left in the bathroom to go wrong??" Welllllllll, the soap tray that is tiled to the wall fell off. So now our wall is completely exposed, there's a rotted soap tray laying on the floor, and there's debris from the wall floating around in our tub. It's. Just. Gross.
I call my landlord and he sends my call to voicemail after two rings. So I text my roommate, "Stephen just rejected my phone call UGH!" and promptly get a text back that says, "I did not reject your call, it somehow went to voicemail. I will return your call later." Realizing I texted my landlord and NOT my roommate, I fall back on my bed, close my eyes, and come to terms with the fact that my bathroom will never be the same again.
I had a little thought today during my shower as I reached up to condition my hair (for what I feared might be the last time) that maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if I had a little shock. Maybe there's some money to be made out of this huge inconvenience. But I'm not brave enough to shock myself and I don't want to die sooooooooo we'll see about that.
You walk in and immediately see the ceiling of Frankenstein's laboratory. There's different wires hanging all over, tin foil trying to cover up the sad excuse for an air conditioner and silver tubes running the length of the shower. The tubes are beginning to dip lower and lower so that every time you DO brave the shower, you are afraid you might get electrocuted while washing your hair.
Before you step into the shower, however, you have to shut the door. Well you might as well forget about that because after the first...second...third...fourth...fifteenth time of trying to slam the door shut with all of your weight impaled on it, it promptly shoots open. Today, after about the 11th time, my roommate yelled, "SHUT IT AND THEN while you're holding it shut, put all of your weight into the door. But act like you're going to open it and then jiggle the handle a few times so the little thing inside the handle comes unstuck!!!!!" So after I did that and turned my underwear inside out and did a little rain dance to the Egyptian gods all while saying the 'Our Father'.....the door swung open.
Not like it's anything new; I've been taking a shower with the door open all week. There's a curtain after all. And I live with two other girls who I am 100% certain are into guys, so I'm not really worried. The only thing that really bothers me is when I have to use the toilet that is RIGHT IN FRONT OF the door. So every time I'm sitting there, I'm super paranoid that someone is going to turn the corner and that it's about to get awkward. We've tried to avoid this unpleasant confrontation by announcing that we're using the restroom every time we have to go...which is also super awkward when you have company over. But it's not as bad as when they have to use the restroom...hahaa.
Also, the towel rack is coming off of the wall. We've strategically placed the nail that is (failing) to stay in the wall at such an angle that the towel rack is balancing by just a thread. So every time we throw a towel on it and forget that we actually can't use our towel rack, the whole thing comes undone and falls into our toilet. Thus prompting us to strategically fix our unusable towel rack again. I forget why we go through all this trouble.
Back to the shower:
We've completely ignored the whole every-time-you-take-a-shower-the-water-level-immediately-rises-to-mid-calf issue because our landlord said our hair was clogging the drain and we just needed some Draino. Well we've poured bottle after bottle of Draino down that freaking drain and NOTHING has happened. So when we were lucky enough to have some plumbers in the apartment fixing the other shower, (don't get me started) we had them look at the drain in this one and--ta da!--it has the completely wrong parts. AKA nothing is our fault and there's nothing that Draino can fix. Oh, Lord.
So our landlord said he's going to get our shower all fixed up as soon as he can...or as soon as he can come up with the money...which he said is hard to come by these days because of the economy. And we were like all sympathetic and what-not.
Until yesterday when my roommate was taking a shower while dealing with the possibility of being electrocuted and the tub full of water up to her ankles when I hear a loud BOOM come from the bathroom. I sigh and wonder, "What could possibly be left in the bathroom to go wrong??" Welllllllll, the soap tray that is tiled to the wall fell off. So now our wall is completely exposed, there's a rotted soap tray laying on the floor, and there's debris from the wall floating around in our tub. It's. Just. Gross.
I call my landlord and he sends my call to voicemail after two rings. So I text my roommate, "Stephen just rejected my phone call UGH!" and promptly get a text back that says, "I did not reject your call, it somehow went to voicemail. I will return your call later." Realizing I texted my landlord and NOT my roommate, I fall back on my bed, close my eyes, and come to terms with the fact that my bathroom will never be the same again.
I had a little thought today during my shower as I reached up to condition my hair (for what I feared might be the last time) that maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if I had a little shock. Maybe there's some money to be made out of this huge inconvenience. But I'm not brave enough to shock myself and I don't want to die sooooooooo we'll see about that.
Friday, September 3, 2010
If there's anything I've learned it's...
DO IT RIGHT NOW.
I don't care what it is. Need to read your e-mail? DO IT. Need to pay your bills? "But-ohh-they're-not-due-for-a-few-days." DO IT. Change your cat's litter box? (trust me, DO IT.) Need to catch up with an old friend? DO IT.
I just spent the last forty-five minutes walking home with a guy friend telling him about how he should have told the girl he liked that he liked her. And trying to help him "live in the moment."
All of this happened after I was at a party earlier and saw that one of my best friends called me. "But, oh, she called me a long time after I called her. And at 9:30 on a Friday night. So she's probably 'out' like me and busy and I'll call her tomorrow. No big deal. She won't answer anyway...just like she didn't answer earlier..."
If only I'd have called her back just then. Or answered.
Because had I stepped into the bathroom I was standing right next to and listened to the voicemail she had just left, then I would have known that she had a 3 and a 1/2 hour drive to St. Louis, Missouri ahead of her. And she was driving by herself. And she wished she'd had left earlier with other people. And I can hear it in her voice (even though it's 5 hours later) that she's really stressed. And she wants someone else to talk to. And I could have been that someone else had I not ignored the voicemail.
And IF ONLY I had answered the M***** F****ing phone. Or heard it ring.
Because that's the exact reason I called her in the first place. Not to hear about how 'great' college is. Or how much she absolutely loves her sorority.
No.
It was to see what is really going on. How she's really feeling. What she's really doing (besides all of the absurd themed fraternity parties). I really do care about her and I want to be there for her. And our schedules are so messed up that it's virtually impossible to get ahold of eachother. Obviously...damn.
But I feel like I failed again. Even though I was trying so hard. And I wish I would have returned that voicemail. Because I would have gotten to hear her voice. And maybe make her feel better. Damn. It would have been better had I answered that phone call. Or heard my phone ring.
Because I would have known what was going on. And talked to her. And spent the last three hours making sure she was ok instead of dancing to the latest Usher song.
I feel like I failed. By not returning her call right then and there, I feel like I failed. But how could I have known? Perhaps it was just a mistake. And maybe (hopefully) something I'll learn from.
Live in the moment. Answer it right then and there. Never put it off.
Damn, this is gonna be hard to live up to.
I don't care what it is. Need to read your e-mail? DO IT. Need to pay your bills? "But-ohh-they're-not-due-for-a-few-days." DO IT. Change your cat's litter box? (trust me, DO IT.) Need to catch up with an old friend? DO IT.
I just spent the last forty-five minutes walking home with a guy friend telling him about how he should have told the girl he liked that he liked her. And trying to help him "live in the moment."
All of this happened after I was at a party earlier and saw that one of my best friends called me. "But, oh, she called me a long time after I called her. And at 9:30 on a Friday night. So she's probably 'out' like me and busy and I'll call her tomorrow. No big deal. She won't answer anyway...just like she didn't answer earlier..."
If only I'd have called her back just then. Or answered.
Because had I stepped into the bathroom I was standing right next to and listened to the voicemail she had just left, then I would have known that she had a 3 and a 1/2 hour drive to St. Louis, Missouri ahead of her. And she was driving by herself. And she wished she'd had left earlier with other people. And I can hear it in her voice (even though it's 5 hours later) that she's really stressed. And she wants someone else to talk to. And I could have been that someone else had I not ignored the voicemail.
And IF ONLY I had answered the M***** F****ing phone. Or heard it ring.
Because that's the exact reason I called her in the first place. Not to hear about how 'great' college is. Or how much she absolutely loves her sorority.
No.
It was to see what is really going on. How she's really feeling. What she's really doing (besides all of the absurd themed fraternity parties). I really do care about her and I want to be there for her. And our schedules are so messed up that it's virtually impossible to get ahold of eachother. Obviously...damn.
But I feel like I failed again. Even though I was trying so hard. And I wish I would have returned that voicemail. Because I would have gotten to hear her voice. And maybe make her feel better. Damn. It would have been better had I answered that phone call. Or heard my phone ring.
Because I would have known what was going on. And talked to her. And spent the last three hours making sure she was ok instead of dancing to the latest Usher song.
I feel like I failed. By not returning her call right then and there, I feel like I failed. But how could I have known? Perhaps it was just a mistake. And maybe (hopefully) something I'll learn from.
Live in the moment. Answer it right then and there. Never put it off.
Damn, this is gonna be hard to live up to.
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