Moth's Wings

You come beating like moth's wings
Spastic and violently--
Whipping me into a storm
Shaking me down to the core

But you've run away from me
And you've left me shimmering
Like diamond wedding rings
Spinning dizzily down on the ground.

So the other day I was reading on my screened-in porch attached to the back of my house. It was quiet and serene and a beautiful day until.....my dogs started going haywire. They were barking like crazy and chasing something around the room. Our neighbors hate our dogs so I went to see what they were up to.

When I approached them, I found them pawing at something but couldn't quite tell what it was until I pulled them away and found a grief-stricken moth fighting for its life.

Moths are usually unattractive and creepy. The ugly step-sister to the butterfly, they get bad raps from eating our stored sweaters and hanging around when they are unwanted. This one, however, was quite beautiful. It was pink, tan, and green with big blue dots on the back of its wings. They looked like eyes that were begging me to "please do something."

My heart went out to this moth (even though I was still unbelievably creeped out). One of my dogs kept catching it in its mouth and then spitting it back out. She did this over and over again. It was like she wanted to catch it so bad but when she did, she didn't know what to do with it. I tried to pull my dogs away so it could fly free, but its wings were so tattered it couldn't go anywhere and my dogs wouldn't follow orders.

I tried to rescue the moth for about 15 minutes, but every time I tried to get close to it, it would fly towards me and I would get freaked out, scream, and run away. This happened multiple times until I figured I couldn't do anything so I gave up, sat down and went back to reading.

But then this terrible feeling came upon me. I was going to be responsible for this moth's death. My dogs were still barking and playing with it and it was still trying to get away. I couldn't go back to reading. I couldn't focus; I was involved now and I couldn't give up on this moth. Then and there I resolved that I was going to save this moth's life.

I jumped out of my chair and dragged my dogs inside. I got a sheet of paper from inside, swallowed my fear of moths and began to scoot the moth outside the door. It freaked me out a couple of times, but I realized that this moth's life was more important than maybe being grazed by a wing. Once I got it to the door to go outside, I wondered where to put it so it could recover. If I put it on our deck, the dogs were sure to find it again and kill it. Its wings were so tattered I didn't think it could fly. However, as soon as it was outside, it mustered all the energy it had left after taking a 30 minute beating from two dogs, and flew away. I kept my eye on it to see where it went--it flew to the tallest tree in the woods behind our house. I was amazed.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. (Here comes the analogy.) Life will beat you down--there's no doubt about that. And you can't always do it by yourself. Sometimes you need help to get through the rough times and it's ok to ask for and accept that help. Then, when you get through the hard times, there's nothing stopping you from seeking a great life except yourself. Sure, the moth could have settled for a single tree high off the ground. But, no. It set its sights on the highest tree in the woods, telling me that we are capable of anything, even after being beaten down by two animals 100xs of times the size of us.

I found a picture of the moth. This is exactly what it looked like but it was more beautiful in person. I'm glad I saved its life.

The Circle

It appears that I have tried to evade Shawnee, Kansas......and have failed.

I love my grandparents. I have spent my entire life admiring them and wondering how I can find a relationship like theirs. To everyone else, it seems dysfunctional. And to me, growing up, I have wondered how my grandmother managed to lassle a man as stubborn and as worldly as my grandfather. At the same time, I wondered how my grandfather managed to hook a woman as lovely, patient, and loving as my grandmother. It's like they should repel each other....and yet, were made for each other at the same time. I don't know how to explain it other than IT WORKS AND I WANT IT.

My grandfather doesn't listen to anyone and I love him for it. (Everyone else is annoyed.) Perhaps it's that, "I'm going to do what I want to do, so help me God," that I've learned from him and we understand each other without talking about it. After all, I picked up and went to Texas in a decision made in less 24 hours. Who was to stop me? No one. Even he wanted me to stay close to him but I want to do what I want to do.

So I went. To Texas. To get out of Kansas City. To grow as a person. Or so I thought.

Yet I always find myself returning to Kansas City and admiring its beauty and history. I taunt others with how magestic the city is, how much it has to offer, and its widespread glory. They question my sincerity: "If Kansas City is so great, then why did you leave?" I am dumbfounded; I don't know.

I thought that distancing myself from the familiar would help me grow as a person. But now, perhaps I need to look closer at what I love and appreciate it more.

I have spent the past 3 years looking for something to make me happy. Now, I'm realizing that perhaps what I need has been staring me right in the face for the first 18 years of my life. It's weird to realize, but I like it.

It's kind of a learning experience. Similar to, "You don't know what you've had until you've lost it." I gave away Kansas City for Dallas, Texas. I told EVERYONE that I was never moving back home. Now, however, I think I might be realizing that Kansas City is exactly what I need.

It will be interesting to see where I go from here.

All I can hope for is a spouse that drives me crazy, yet I can't live without him at the same time. To others, it may appear that my grandparents are at their wits end with each other, but I know that they loved each other so deeply. I know that they complemented each other so much that, if I even come close to their relationship, I will be the luckiest girl in the world.

Even now, when I see them, I think they are the greatest people in the entire world. They will never see this but that's ok. I love them and I think they are so amazing. They are loved my so many people, but most of all......ME.